


Alleyway Kisses

by killjoy_cherrydust



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Ryan/Brendon angst, ryden angst, ryden fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-23 01:39:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19140994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killjoy_cherrydust/pseuds/killjoy_cherrydust
Summary: Slushies, kisses, and broken hearts. But the love that started 8 years ago can fix a broken heart.





	Alleyway Kisses

The fluorescent blue lights of the gas station sign shone down on Ryan's round, pale face. Making his dark copper eyes stand out like pennies in a wishing pond. Brendon was standing across from him, biting his upper lip and shifting on his feet. The two boys just stood there in silence, holding their slushies and looking at each other with tempting eyes.

The only sound is the rumble of car engines going down the road, and some shitty pop music playing from inside the store. There were no cars or people in the actual parking lot, just Ryan and Brendon. 

They had been hanging out with their usual friend group; Spencer, Dallon, Pete, Mikey, Jon, all of them. But soon these two went off on their own with the lame excuse of an early curfew. (8:30 pm was hardly a curfew, even for a fake one.) Brendon made the suggestion of trying out the new slushie machine at the gas station down past the park, and Ryan agreed. Maybe they did a bit of innocent hand holding on the way there but, who can say? Right? 

Ryan's lovestruck teen heart started beating faster, faster, the longer Brendon stared at him. He felt this swelling in his chest mixed with a tingling sensation all over his skin. Adrenaline, probably.

Brendon set his blue raspberry drink down onto the curb of the convenience store, slowly walking closer to Ryan. The scrape off the concrete against Brendon's shoes sending shivers of anticipation up his spine. The taller boy became brave and took a few baby steps too.

Brendon stood on his tiptoes, finally at eye level with Ryan. He curled his hands gently around the taller boys grey jacket collar (that was actually his jacket because Ryan got cold). Brendon started staring at the ground in a near nervous way. Ryan put his thumb and index finger on Brendon's chin to guide his gaze back to the copper eyes above him.

Soon their faces were inches apart, breaths mixing together. A gust of warm September wind whispered against their cheeks, making Ryan's long-ish hair blow slightly.

Brendon jerked Ryan's collar forward, pulling him to crash their lips together in an almost violent manner.

As soon as Brendon's soft, full lips touched Ryans chapped ones, it was like the world was in full color for the first time. A wave or color rippled over the world around him. He was floating. Ryan could taste the faint flavor of blue raspberry slushie bleed onto his mouth from Brendon's, it tastes sweet but also like artificial chemicals. He his cheeks bloomed like roses with how the blush appeared.

So this is what first kisses feel like?

Ryan gasped into the kiss as Brendon snaked a hand around his waist and pulled him closer. His hands shook from how overwhelmingly great this felt, making him drop the cherry slushie onto the ground. Did neither of the boys care? No.

Brendon pulled back with a grin that could cure practically anything, lights from passing cars shining against his dark eyes, mouth now purple from Ryan's red lips mixing with his blue.

The shorter boys grin soon faded into a frown as Brendon retracted his arm. He looked worried, confused and as if a million thoughts raced through his mind all at once.

Ryan felt oddly cold without Brendon holding him… even with Brendon's oversized jacket over his shoulders. He went to speak but, all the words dried up. God, Ryan wanted to shout “I love you!” but was scared of Brendon hearing it.

Brendon gulped and put his hands in his jean pockets awkwardly, waiting for the other to say something. There were a few beats of silence- Like the beginning of a song that would soon blow your heart from your chest.

“I- I have to go…” He muttered, not being able to bear that look on Brendon's face any longer. Knowing he caused that. He did that to him.

Ryan turned away on his heel and started walking down the sidewalk towards his dreaded apartment building a couple of blocks down.

He heard Brendon call after him, but ignored it; Screwing his eyes shut as a way to block out his shaky voice. Brendon’s words always sent a calming wave towards Ryan, but this time it was more like a tsunami of feelings all at once.

Ryan stopped in his tracks and stood still; Debating whether to turn around and hug Brendon and say he's sorry or just continue walking and pretend like nothing ever happened…

He decided on the first option and kept walking, turning the corner so that Brendon couldn't see him hurting. His tiny voice of reason was screaming to turn around. Turn around. Turn around. Turn around!

Ryan held the jacket tightly to himself, encasing his shoulders. It even smelled like Brendon; shitty axe body spray, vanilla shampoo and him. Just that underlying scent of him. It's as if the rainbow colors of the kiss faded into grey murk. A void filled his heart, like watercolor on a piece of paper. A void that only Brendon could fill.

But Brendon didn't swing that way. He said it himself! “I'm not gay. My family is too religious for that.” Then if he wasn't gay, then why did he kiss Ryan?! Was it all a huge joke?

It definitely wasn't a joke to Ryan.

But, he couldn't be with Brendon, even if he didn’t have strictly religious parents. Why? Ryan’s Dad was insanely homophobic; To the point where finding mascara or eyeliner in his bedroom made him furious, calling Ryan a f*g and other offensive terms. 

Plus, Ryan had a fear of love. Never been loved by anyone, so he didn't know what to expect to happen. It was entirely new to him. Not even his parents loved Ryan much. His Mom left when he was young and Dad wasn't the...best. Per say. The only one Ryan could be considered "loved" by was Brendon. Staying up with him on the phone during thunder storms to keep Ryan calm, letting him cry into Brendon's shirt when he needed to let it all out, singing softly as comfort.

And hell, taking care of Ryan first time they got drunk together. Holding his hair back as he vomited, making sure he didn't break anything when he walked and even cuddling together for the whole night. (Ryan was a lightweight and a sleepy drunk.)

Brendon had a heart of gold that was worth more than a million.

On the ground, there was a smashed beer bottle, little pieces of green glass scattered around the thick neck that was still somehow intact. He kicked one of the shards across the street and watched it break even more as it hit the tar road. He felt a small drop of water fall onto his head. Then another. Then another.

Great, it was raining. Coming down in what seemed like buckets full. His hair began sticking to his forehead, shoes splashing in the small puddles, and cheeks dripping. From tears or rainwater, he couldn't tell. 

Brendon's jacket didn't feel so warm anymore.

 

With a huffed breath Ryan began walking again in the cold rain. The soles of his shoes were now soaked, he was practically shivering and he felt a sudden surge of guilt for walking out on Brendon, the boy he had loved since they met in 2nd grade.

Things couldn’t get any worse than now.

As Ryan turned down sidewalks, crept through alleyways in the bad parts of town, almost slipped on wet grass and had to watch out for police cars roaring down the road, he thought about the early days of 2nd grade.

Ryan was a shy kid- more than he is now even- and never really talked to anyone. He’d ask the teacher if he could instead work by himself for group projects, spent recess on the grass reading books and ignored anyone who talked to him. Well, tried to talk to him.

He was sitting against the big maple tree at the beginning of fall, quietly reading a book from the classroom library. The Babysitters Club, he could recall. It was cool outside, jacket weather, and recess had just started. Kids were shoving each other off monkey bars, running around for games of tag, and the typical group of jocks daring one of the unpopular kids to go talk to his crush.

Ryan didn’t see what was the big thing about crushes. He didn’t feel that stuff. The “butterflies” or whatever. Butterflies die after Winter anyway, so there is no point in trying to catch them.

Suddenly, Ryan felt someone falling on top of him and the knocking of his own head against the tree bark. Both of them let out a loud yelp of “Ow!” After a few seconds the person who fell got up carefully. Ryan screwed his eyes shut and held his head, it really hurt. It all happened so quick it was hard to even comprehend so much.

“Oh shnikes, I’m sorry! I was just playing tag and then I fell and tripped and-” A squeaky voice spoke, helping Ryan up from the ground. Once the brunette opened his eyes, he felt like the world behind this short, messy haired, almost cute boy, froze.

That’s when Ryan knew, he caught the famous butterflies. I guess you could say he got crushed, huh? 

A snap of lightning broke him out of his daydreams, lighting up the whole sky for a moment, bringing the harsh truth of reality to his face. Ryan stood in the alleyway of Woodpark Heights, another bad part of town (Though, he was used to it. He had to take this route home every day anyway.) 

An urge of anger struck him like lightning, he wanted to let his emotions out. He couldn't hold them all inside. This whole situation was frustrating and painful and confusing. God, one kiss has fucked him up to no end! 

But when you love someone for years, see them have their heartbroken multiple times, and get just a little taste of what you can’t have with them?

That hurts. That hurts more than letting them go.

Bam!

Ryan punched the graffitied brick wall out of impulse, hand cracking. His knuckles were a beaten pink color, almost red and practically glowing. A dull pain pulsed through him, waving his hand around with a hiss. He punched the wall once more, even harder than the last time. His knuckles now starting to pool with a bit of blood, some starting to drip down his fingers.

He sat down on the wet concrete of the alley, putting his head against the wall with a groan. He looked down at his hand and said to himself,

“Why must you be so stupid, Ryan?” Ryan let a couple of tears fall as he sniffled. He felt so pathetic, so… so idiotic! Maybe his Dad was right. Maybe he was some useless gay guy who was going to hell. 

For a few minutes, he just sat there in the freezing rain, staring at the raindrops falling onto the black concrete. Trying to make some sense out of the mess this whole situation was turning out to be. Ryan took a deep breath before it hitched again.

He then heard footsteps echoing off the stone buildings, it sounded like running footsteps…  
He stood up with a confused face and slowly crept to see who it was. Nobody should be out past this hour, or hell, in the rain.

Brendon.

You know when he said this couldn’t get worse? It’s about to get worse.

Ryan’s face went from confusion to shock in a span of 3 seconds. Brendon was standing there with a nervous grin, his usually fluffy hair now shaggy from being wet, and his toned stomach now visible through his white, sort of transparent, t-shirt clinging to his body. That sight made something swirl in Ryan’s stomach.

Brendon checked out Ryan’s figure and let out a barely audible gasp, reaching for Ryan’s bleeding hand anxiously.

“Ryan, you-”

“Yeah, I punched a wall because I was frustrated. No big deal. Whatever.” He admitted, looking down at his hand nonchalantly, then returning his gaze to Brendon’s.

“We aren't going to beat around the bush anymore. Let me guess, you came to tell me that the kiss meant nothing? That we meant nothing? That we should forget it even happened? Pretend like we haven't had something for the past 8 years? Is that it, Urie?”

Brendon was rendered speechless, that’s what he planned on doing funnily enough, even if he meant everything that kiss could and did mean. All that mattered to him was Ryan's happiness. If that meant throwing everything they had together, then so fucking be it.

“Well?” Ryan urged on, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked pissed, but there was also a hint of desperation in his face. Like he was dying for Brendon to say something that would fix their situation. Like he was hiding what he truly wanted to say.

“Maple tree,” Brendon stated simply, but it came out in more of a whisper. He took the corner of his cotton shirt and carefully dabbed at the bleeding spots of his hands, mindful not to press too hard. As it got soaked up, the white fabric had spreadings of red dots. It stung slightly but felt much better. And this time, Ryan didn’t object or hide his hand.

“Maple tree…” Ryan pondered for a moment, letting it sink in. 

“The one where you fell on top of me at as little kids? Gave me a concussion because I hit my head on the uh...the tree trunk?” He narrowed his eyes, but inside he was screaming. Brendon… remembered that? While Ryan had the memory of an elephant, Brendon would forget what he had for breakfast by lunchtime, so it was surprising he could recall something like that.

“Yes, Ross, that one. Second grade, Ms.Johnson's class, September 13th. I was playing tag with my friends and you were reading by the tree of the playground during recess. The Babysitters Club. You tried to hide that you were reading it because Pete told you that it was a ‘girls book’.” Brendon explained like it was as easy as reciting his alphabet. He continued on with the recollection, worry smelting away. 

"I tripped over my own feet and fell on top of you. You hit your head on the tree trunk kinda hard and said that you felt dizzy. I walked you all the way to the nurse and stayed with you... until your Dad came to pick you up." 

Ryan was frozen in astonishment, jaw agape ever so slightly. Brendon really did care about him. He felt even more stupid than before for walking off on him now. He didn’t know what to do, it’s like time was in slow motion and was dragging on for eternity. His heart was threatening to leap out from his rib cage. 

Was Ryan going to let this moment go to waste? Brendon was here, right in front of him, vulnerable, in the rain, emotional!

He needed to know.

"What did it mean?"

"The...The kiss?" Brendon bit at his bottom lip and raised his eyebrows.

The taller boy gave a nod yes.

Before Ryan could even fully finish that thought, he was going into action. His mind was shut off and his heart was in control. He turned impulsive. He stepped forward towards Brendon, backing him up against a brick wall (the one he punched minutes ago.)

Brendon's brown eyes were wide with affection, but with a hint of tease into them. Ryan leaned forward slowly at the same time as scaredly. Thin, chapped lips barely grazing against pink oh so kissable ones. 

In one more movement, and they would be kissing again. The world would go back into color.

The dark haired boy let out a shallow breath, a white puff of air swirling into the cold, rainy scene he had found himself in. Brendon brushed strands of wet hair from Ryan's forehead, hand now nestled in the locks.

This time it was Ryan grabbing Brendon's wet shirt collar, the other hand on his chest. They were both soaking wet, hips pressed together, against a wall...

Brendon's eyes looked up at him trustingly, giving a slight nod of his head. He stood up on his tiptoes again to be able to reach Ryan at a non-awkward angle. He fluttered his eyelashes to leave butterfly kisses on the other boys' skin. 

But, Ryan then pulled away abruptly, tearing himself away from Brendon right as another strike of lightning flashed.

Ryan didn’t know what he wanted at this point. Impulsivity or mindfulness? The metaphorical angel and devil were arguing on his shoulders, the angel telling him to lean back in, the devil telling him to run away again. He knew the consequences of his actions at this point, which is what scared him. 

Brendon started grumbling to himself and rubbed his temples out of stress.

“Stop playing fucking games with me, Ross!” He shouted, pulling the front of his rain-sticky t-shirt and letting it come back down against his chest with a wet smack.

It startled Ryan slightly, shoulders flinching back and head alert. Deer in headlights. He tried to speak but no noise came out. Standing there like a fool with his mouth open. As if he would even know what to say in the first place… This had gotten way messier than imagined. 

"What's your goal in all of this, huh? Leading me on? You fucking kiss me, go in for another and then rip away! It's always back and forth! Do you want to kiss me or do you not?!" Brendon snapped, starting to pace in the alleyway they were still in. The puddles made wet noises under his sneakers and the thunder clapped. 

"Tell me why, Ross!"

Ryan had no more mindfulness left. Fuck it! His voice of reason silenced. The metaphoricals vanished off his shoulders. He himself wouldn't believe the words that came passed his lips.

"Because I love you, Brendon Boyd Urie! I fucking loved you since the day we met! I'm just scared!" Ryan practically roared with raw emotion, even over the sounds of the storm. When the voices were raised, so did the rain downfall, coming down even harsher and feeling like cold needles. 

"I'm just… scared." He repeated, voice cracking at the end. Tears of regret threatened to leak from his eyes, but he held himself together.

Brendon immediately stopped pacing, face now melting into a softer expression. He then realized how hurt Ryan must be, how terrifying this must've been for him, how he really needed his best friend right at this moment.

The rain had suddenly stopped, the dark grey clouds disintegrating into the black night sky. Everything was now calmer, crisp air starting to warm up with Summer humidity. The silver moon shone right down onto the two, like a spot light.

He came close to Ryan, but Ryan only backed up in what Brendon assumed was fear. Brendon looked him in his eyes, those honey brown eyes with flecks of cinnamon. 

"Come here. Please." 

Ryan came closer to him again, looking a little hesitant. He stared at the ground, the pebbles, the raindrops, Brendon's beat up converse, anything but the gaze above him. 

Brendon had noticed certain ticks when Ryan was nervous or scared. His pupils went small, his neck muscles looked tense, and he didn't speak until he felt safe. He's had that vision of him forever in his memory, from horror movies where Ryan shoved his head into Brendon's shoulder, to having to present projects in front of whole classes where Ryan looked into Brendon's eyes the entire time. 

Brendon could read Ryan like a book.

This boy was his favorite book.

Brendon cupped his cold, wind flushed cheeks in his equally cold hands. Their eyes met. Pupils small. Lips chapped shut. Neck tense. Brendon...made him look that way. 

"Ryan I-" The shorter boy felt the figurative cat catch his tongue. All he could do was look at him with glossy eyes, trying to make sense of all the thoughts and words swirling in his mind.

"Love is...a scary thing. It can be terrifying. Especially in a world that sees our love as a problem. But I'm in love with you, Ryan," Brendon couldn't help but smile, he finally told Ryan Ross his true feelings. It felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

"And nothing can change that. Ever."

Brendon was out of words now. He had released all his secrets into the air after years of shoving them down. There was nothing to hide anymore. Ryan seemed to visibly relax at the gentle tone, taking them in fully.

"Ryan I'm sorry for-"

His words faded away at Ryan hugging him tightly, arms wrapping around his waist, pulling them flush together. He shook his head, smiling with tears down his cheeks. Joyful tears, Brendon thought. 

"Apologize later. Just shut up and kiss me. This time, I mean it." Ryan said breathlessly, looking gorgeous with his dilated pupils and wet hair.

Brendon giggled at the last comment, bringing his lips to Ryan's. Turning his head slightly to deepen the kiss. For a second, their hearts shared the same beat.

They were cold, they were wet, it was late, but damn were they in love.


End file.
